


The Cost of Us

by ThatSameSong



Category: Oxenfree (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Developing Relationship, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love Confessions, Male-Female Friendship, Psychological Horror, Suicide Attempt, Time Loop, there's a happy ending i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27251437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatSameSong/pseuds/ThatSameSong
Summary: There is only one thing worse than being trapped in a time loop: being trapped in a time loop and realizing that the only way to get out of it is by ruining the longest friendship you've ever had and confessing your feelings to the girl of your dreams.
Relationships: Alex & Jonas (Oxenfree), Alex & Ren (Oxenfree), Alex/Nona (Oxenfree), Clarissa & Nona (Oxenfree)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	The Cost of Us

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Spook Month! Guess who finished another playthrough of "Oxenfree" and just had to write this for Halloween? I'm sure I missed some tags, but here it is. My contribution to the spookiest month of the year. And just in case you missed the tags, I put content warnings below. Stay safe!
> 
> CW: Attempted suicide, major character death, implied/referenced homophobia, slight relationship drama

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex went through the motions again. She went into the cave with Jonas, she tuned into the weird triangle thing, _blah blah blah._ It was all the same shit. Just over and over again. Alex was getting sick of it. Seriously, what was the _point?_ Whatever she did, whatever she said, one of her friends ended up being taken by those–those _things._ And then the loop would start over again, regardless of what Alex chose in the end. It was like being trapped on a fucking carnival ride.

The Nona loops were….different. That was what Alex called them. Because they weren't like the normal loops. The normal loops never changed. Alex could be a dick to her friends, she could choose to kill Jonas or Clarissa or Ren or whatever. She could kiss Ren because _why the heck not_ or she could make things awkward with Jonas or she could even be a complete angel to Clarissa. She could make Micheal stay or she could piss him off and he would leave angry with her. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. They always ended up in the bunker at the end, always ended up having to “tune into the source”.

But the Nona loops changed. At first Alex thought it was progress, because it was the only thing that looked like progress. She'd been stuck on that island for, what? Days? Weeks? Years? Decades? And nothing changed. Except when she did a Nona loop.

Nona was– _goddammit,_ she was cute. Alex barely knew her. But by the time she'd done what felt like a hundred loops, she felt like she knew every single thing about Nona's life. She knew about Nona's grandparents, the family trips to Wisconsin, every gross and embarrassing thing that had ever happened to Nona.

The first time was–well, Alex didn't even remember. It was one of the very first loops. Maybe the fifth or sixth. The other ones had all been different, they'd branched off in different places. But this loop was a little more intense than anything Alex had signed up for.

They had been getting close all night. Starting at the beach, starting with that stupid Truth or Slap game. Alex had answered–boredly–that she would marry Nona and kill Ren. The usual stuff. But this time Alex had pushed, because she was just _so sick_ of going through this a million times. She had done everything and everything had been done to her, so why not? Why not push her luck? So she'd stood at the fire and said what was on her mind, what had been circling in her head since the first two loops.

“Of course I'd marry Nona,” she said. “She's, like–I mean–she's the cutest person ever. How could I not? I'd be freaking–I'd be _stoked_ to date her. Don't pretend you guys wouldn't.”

She just said it without thinking. Forgetting about Ren and his crush, which had been weighing down on Alex's mind since, well, the first loop. She'd seen them get together a dozen times, she'd seen them _not_ get together, she'd seen Nona hook up with Jonas. So many stupid desperate decisions and hilariously warped outcomes.

Nona perked up, her cheeks blazing and her mouth slightly open in surprise.

“Whoa, like, for real?” she said. “Like–you mean that Alex? You seriously–you're not shitting me right now?”

Alex rubbed the back of her neck, her gaze swiveling over to Ren. She saw his eyes bouncing back and forth between her and Nona, like he was sizing up the situation. _Oh shit._ Had Alex said that out loud? Yeah, sure, she'd been thinking it. But she kept it to herself because it was–it was _weird,_ right? Super weird and awkward. No wonder Nona was visibly freaked out.

 _Whatever,_ Alex told herself. Girls flirted with each other all the time. It was just playful banter. Sure, her and Nona weren't besties or anything, but did that even matter? Alex didn't have a lot of girl friends. She was kind of new to the whole thing. So she couldn't blame herself for not knowing the rules.

“Uh, forget it,” said Alex. “Just–just a joke. You know, funny ha ha? So, uh…”

She trailed off, wandering over to the cooler for another beer. But it was too late. The atmosphere had completely shifted. Alex had–once again–made everyone uncomfortable.

Or at least that was what Alex thought, until Nona actually came up to her.

Alex was hanging out by the cooler, trying to pretend that she was the only one who could feel the awkwardness in the air. _Holy shit._ _Why_ did she say that? Was she trying to make this night completely awkward for everyone?

Clarissa was sitting by herself. Ren and Jonas were talking about god-knows-what. Probably that dumb radio or something.

Nona coming up to her was new. Usually Alex just hung out next to the cooler, drinking beer out of a plastic cup–it always tasted the same–and staring at the ocean until Ren needed her. And then all that stuff with the cave and the radio would happen. _Rinse and repeat._

Nona smiled. She had the cutest smile, Alex thought. It lit up her whole face. Why would someone like Nona hang out with Clarissa? The two of them were like fire and water. Clarissa's smile made her look like a supervillain. A _hot_ supervillain, Alex had to admit, but still one hundred percent evil.

Alex shook her head, holding the half-empty cup close to her chest. Would it be weird if she actually said that to Nona? Well, yeah, of course it would be weird. Especially after that passionate pro-Nona speech she gave during Truth or Slap.

“Hey,” said Nona.

She brushed a strand of hair out of her face. Everything about her looked so casual, but also so put together. The way the beanie slouched on her head, the way her hair fell over her shoulders, even the outfit that she definitely didn't grab off her bedroom floor five minutes before she had to meet everyone else. And Nona actually showered before she left, judging by the strong smell of peach-scented shampoo.

Alex shifted uncomfortably. _Crap._ Why didn't she shower? Or at least anything besides jabbing a deodorant stick under each arm three minutes before leaving the house?

“Hi?” said Alex.

Nona moved closer to her. Was she blushing or was her face just hot from the fire?

Alex dropped her gaze to her cup, nervously shifting her grip. _Of course it's from the fire, you idiot,_ she told herself. What else would it be? _Geez._ Alex was really starting to lose it.

“So, uh, good night,” said Nona. “Nice night, I mean. Really nice. For the beach.”

Alex raised her cup. Time to do or die. If she didn't say this now, it was probably going to haunt her forever.

“Look, I am so _so_ sorry about that–whatever that was,” said Alex. “I'm not sure what's up with me tonight. The trials and tribulations of cheap watered-down beer, am I right?”

Nona picked up her own plastic cup, but she didn't fill it with beer. She just held it, turning it over and over in her hands like she was examining it.

Alex stared. Since when was Nona so–so _quiet and contemplative_? Not that Alex was complaining. She sort of liked this new side of Nona, whatever the heck had triggered it. Alex had seen so many different versions of her friends and step-brother, so many competing images of them in her head. But Nona was pretty consistent throughout the loops. Until now.

Nona looked up from the cup in her hands, biting her lip.

“Okay,” she said. “I–I get that. I get–I get it. It's fine.”

She turned and walked away, taking the empty cup with her. She headed back to Clarissa.

Alex blinked, staring at Nona's retreating back. _What the….?_ That–that was _weird,_ right? That whole thing was weird? Alex couldn't be sure because she truly had no idea what had even happened. But she'd caught that flash of disappointment on Nona's face when Alex said it was a joke. Was this a girl friend thing that Alex had somehow missed? Was _she_ being pranked?

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

It didn't matter. The loop happened again.

Alex had tried just not going into the cave. She tried smashing the radio. But it never made a tangible difference. The loop would force her into the cave. It would force her to have the radio, even if she broke it. She would find a new radio in the cave, Jonas would get hurt and scream for help, Ren would run into the cave in a drug-induced craze and Alex would have to follow him.

It was another four or five loops before Alex had her second Nona loop. Because she was out of ideas.

“Did you, uh, mean all of that?” said Nona. “I mean–like–all of it? I mean, we're not–we're not friends. But–but–”

Alex circled the rim of her cup. She liked getting shit-faced. It took the edge off the loops, made everything feel less tragic. But even being drunk got boring and repetitive at some point. Drunk Alex wasn't any smarter than Sober Alex, as it turned out.

“Yeah,” said Alex. “Yeah–I–I really do think you're cute. I think you're–the cutest frigging person in this shit-ass town. And definitely the cutest person on this shit-ass island.”

She let the words spill out of her. It wasn't even a compliment, not really. It was just a fact. Because who else was there? Ren? Step-brother Jonas? _Clarissa?_ No thanks.

Nona rubbed the back of her neck, the biggest goofiest smile on her face.

Alex turned away. _Geez._ Why did Nona care so much? Was this a pride thing for her? Getting a genuine compliment from the one and only Alex must have felt pretty freaking good. Alex didn't exactly give out compliments like candy.

“Okay, okay, I would _not_ say this if I like–I mean–if I thought you were, like, a crazy murderer or something,” said Nona. “But–but do you wanna maybe–hang out? I mean, here. Now.”

Alex's heart was bouncing around in her chest. Yeah, this was _definitely_ not how it usually went.

“Uh, I gotta–I gotta babysit Jonas,” said Alex. “He's, uh–you know how it is.”

Nona deflated.

“Cool, cool, it's cool,” said Nona. “I totally get–like–I get it. Jonas. Right.”

And she slunk off back to Clarissa without looking at Alex, without even saying goodbye.

Alex's heart was pumping too fast. Why did she feel so–so _bad?_ She should have been happy. Nona was probably going to end up with Ren. Sure, it didn't really matter, but those two were clearly made for each other. They were both total dorks. Partners in crime. Soulmates.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex watched Ren and Nona fall into each others' arms, watched them laugh and talk about their date. The date that was never going to happen. Because all of them were trapped in a loop and Alex was the only one who noticed. Were things still the same on the outside? Were people looking for them, wondering how and why a bunch of teenagers disappeared on Edwards Island? Had their story turned into a legend, a fun spooky mystery for the tourists?

But this time–watching Ren and Nona talk about their date–Alex had a knot in her chest. And she didn't understand why. After all, she'd seen this play out a dozen times. She knew the story beats by now. So why was it suddenly getting to her? Why was it pissing her off? This was what Ren _wanted_ and–because Ren was that kind of friend–also what _Alex_ wanted _for him._ For him _and_ Nona.

On the third Nona loop–Alex had lost count of the overall number by now–she told Nona about the time loop. Alex had never tried that before. She thought it was a waste of time. From what she could tell, being aware of the loop didn't stop it from happening. Her friends all had this casual deja vu thing going on. They realized that they'd been through this dozens of times, somewhere in their subconscious.

Nona frowned, leaning against the wall of the gift shop. Alex had chosen her for the town expedition. Nona had been looking at her pretty much all night, like she was holding herself back from saying something or doing something. Alex finally got sick of it and that whole argument between Ren and Jonas was the last straw. Nona time.

“A time loop?” said Nona. “Like–like for real? For real timey-wimey-bullshit-stuff? Really?”

Alex sighed, gesturing with her hands.

“Yep,” she said. “It's–yeah, it's all of that. And its kind of been, like, a thing for a while. I–I don't even know how to talk about it. That's how bonkers it is.”

She folded her arms and stared at her feet.

“And I'm, like, the only one who knows it's–that it's a thing,” said Alex. “Like, I'm the only one who remembers. Guess that's–guess that sounds kind of insane, right?”

Nona adjusted her beanie, chewing her bottom lip.

“Yeah, I guess it–I mean–I _have_ been getting deja vu basically all night,” said Nona. “Is that part of it, you think? Like it's–like my head's trying to–I don't know–talk to me?”

Alex shook her head. Wow, it sounded silly when Nona put it that way.

“I guess?” said Alex. “I don't–I don't frigging know how any of this stuff works, okay? I'm–I'm just the messenger. The girl with the radio.”

Nona rubbed her arm, staring at the night sky. She knew Alex wasn't bullshitting her. If there was one thing she knew about Alex, it was that Alex never bullshitted anyone about anything. That was kind of Alex's whole deal, according to Ren.

“So what do we do?” said Nona. “Am I, like–am I like you now?”

Alex stepped closer to Nona. Maybe it was the way the moonlight was catching her or maybe it was the look on her face or maybe Alex was still coming down from those five beers… But Nona looked so fucking beautiful. Unearthly, like she wasn't even a real person. Screw Clarissa. Well, no, that wasn't fair. Clarissa had issues, but she wasn't a total bridge troll. But Nona…. Nona was kind and smart and– _that smile._

“I don't know,” said Alex. “I–I don't really understand how all it works.”

She stepped closer. Close enough to get a whiff of Nona's shampoo again. _Peaches._ Alex's nose twitched and she could feel her face heating up. She didn't want to be this close to Nona, but–Nona wasn't telling her to back off. Nona was looking at Alex out of the corner of her eye and she didn't seem freaked out.

 _I hugged this girl,_ Alex thought. Big deal. She'd hugged Ren and Jonas. She even hugged Clarissa a few times. And Micheal. And everyone else she cared about. But Alex's head was full of thoughts that seemed out of place. Or maybe they made perfect sense in this loop, because she'd gotten so close to Nona. Alex thought about how soft Nona felt, how amazing she smelled, how Nona's arms felt when she returned the hug. And Alex wanted to stay in that memory, in that last embrace before she walked into that bomb shelter. Before _Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex was super close now. Too close probably. But Nona didn't say anything and Alex was pretty sure that Nona didn't _want_ to say anything, that this was perfectly okay with both of them for whatever insane reason.

“Okay, so–so if this is a loop–if it's gonna happen again and whatever,” said Nona.

She turned and smiled. Her cheeks were red and she was maybe the prettiest person Alex had ever seen in her entire life.

Alex's head spun. _What the heck is going on?_ Was it the beer? Was that why she was so hot? Burning up, like she had a fever. Or maybe it was the loop, the loop messing with her again, maybe she'd gone through too many times and it was starting to effect her body.

“I wanna, like–I guess–be honest with you,” said Nona. “For once. I mean, like, in case I forget. Or don't.”

She came closer, so close that Alex could feel her breath. And Alex was frozen there like a deer in headlights, marveling at the fact that Nona was shorter than her and that she could still smell Nona's shampoo.

“I really–I mean– _oh god,”_ said Nona. “This–this is hard for me, okay? I never–like–I mean I _have._ Lots of times. You'll have to trust me on that.”

She chewed her bottom lip, refusing to look Alex in the eye.

“But earlier, when you said I was cute, it was–it was so nice of you to say,” said Nona. “In fact, that whole thing was–okay–it was cheesy as hell, but–but that's good, right? I like cheesy.”

She snorted out a laugh at her own words. Her head was spinning at three thousand miles per hour. What was she even saying?

Alex nodded, afraid that she might forget to breathe if she tried talking. _No. No. No._ This wasn't–this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Nona was supposed to confess that she'd always had a crush on Ren or–or _something._ They were supposed to get together or _not_ get together, depending on how badly Alex screwed up. But Alex wasn't sure _what_ was happening or if she liked it.

Nona grabbed Alex's hands and squeezed them.

“And that's–that's how I feel,” said Nona. “I mean, I like you. I have the biggest–you know–like a crush? I guess–yeah–that's what this is.”

Alex yanked her hands out of Nona's grip. It hurt. Letting go of Nona hurt. Because Nona's hands were so warm and so soft and they made Alex feel–they made her feel _safe._ For the first time since she started looping, she actually felt _okay._ She felt like everything was falling into place.

Alex wanted to scream. _“No, you don't like me! You like Ren. You're supposed to be with Ren. You know, Ren? My best friend forever? The guy you hooked up with about a dozen times across a dozen different loops?”_

Nona backed away, holding up both hands. She looked so hurt, like she thought she was the one who fucked up. Must have misread the signals, getting her hopes up for no good reason. And now Alex was freaked, maybe even a little creeped out. Bad move.

“Whoa,” said Nona. “I'm sorry, I thought–oh _geez._ Just–just forget it, okay? I'm so sorry.”

She wrapped her arms around herself and started walking away, muttering _Stupid Nona_ to herself over and over again.

Alex watched Nona go. She forgot all about the radio and Maggie Adler and all the Edwards Island weirdness.

She thought Nona was going to kiss her. She _wanted_ Nona to kiss her, Alex admitted to herself. She'd wanted it more than she'd ever wanted anything, maybe even more than she wanted to get out of this loop.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex didn't get crushes very often. In fact, she wondered if she'd _ever_ had a crush. Most people sucked. Jonas and Ren were notable exceptions. And Nona was, well….

That was just normal girl behavior, right? Playful flirting, getting close to each other, almost kissing. Yep, just normal girl stuff. Alex had just never gotten that close to a girl before. And Nona misread the signals, because that sometimes happened. It was okay. Completely Alex's fault for saying all that weird stuff out loud.

Yeah, it was weird. This was all very _weird_.

On her next loop, Alex started to notice things.

She tried to stay away from Nona. She didn't know why. It wasn't like anything could–or _should–_ happen between them, right? But Alex kept her distance, like she thought Nona was contagious or something.

But she noticed things. Stuff that she hadn't really thought about before. Small details, insignificant. Alex had learned to stop caring about those little details, because they didn't help her get out of the loop.

Nona's laugh was adorable. Seriously, it was next level charming. And that goofy smile she cracked after she told a particularly dumb joke? _Adorable._ The way she giggled, the way she walked, even the way she fidgeted when she was nervous. It tugged at– _something._ Something deep in Alex's chest. And that made her notice more and more and more and….

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Ren was her best friend. Her _best friend._ They'd known each other basically since the day they were born. They knew all of each others' embarrassing secrets _and_ weird moles. Ren was annoying sometimes, but Alex would have trusted him with her life. The feeling was mutual.

She couldn't do that to him. Not Ren. Whatever was happening between her and Nona, it just–it just _couldn't._ Alex needed to get a grip. She needed to remember that there were more important things. Like friendship.

Alex watched the world collapse around her, her mind consumed by the burning lights and the static pulsing in her ears. Normally she thought about how badly she wanted to go home, she screamed profanities in her head at the invisible forces as they pulled her into another loop.

But for the first time, Alex was only thinking about Nona. Nona with her cute smile and her awesome sense of humor. Nona with her peach-scented shampoo. Standing so close.

 _Nope. Nope. Nope._ _Ren._ Alex knew she couldn't trust herself with that forbidden fruit. If she took one bite–just one–she would want another. And another. And another. And what if this was the timeline that stuck, what if the loop just ended out of nowhere? Ren would be pissed at her, he'd probably never talk to her again. Was it worth it? Was anything worth it?

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

On the next Nona loop, Alex almost escaped. _Almost._

She didn't really understand until later, until she was in another loop and just going through the motions.

Alex had tried killing herself. She'd flung herself onto the rocks, cracking her head open and sinking into the water. Death had to be the end, right? Those ghosts or whatever couldn't resurrect her from the dead, right?

Apparently they could. Because when Alex woke up, she was on the ferry. Heading to Edwards Island. _Again._ And when she touched her forehead, there was no bruise or scar or anything. Just a painful memory of cold water and the agony sparking through her skull as her head slammed the rock. Alex remembered every detail. She remembered the freezing water soaking right through her clothes, the blood pooling around her as her vision blinked out.

Never again. _Never again._ Unless she was desperate.

It was in the next loop that Alex almost escaped.

She was in the ghost dimension or whatever it was. And the ghosts were asking if they could take Nona. Not Clarissa this time, for reasons that Alex didn't fully grasp and probably never would.

The ghosts said they'd leave everyone alone if they could have Nona. They would let her go, they promised. They would let everyone go. And no one would even remember that Nona existed. Alex knew this from experience. So it wasn't really killing her or leaving her, was it? Not if Alex was the only one who remembered.

“Nope,” said Alex. “You're not taking her, okay? No freaking way. Seal me in here or whatever. But leave Nona out of this.”

She touched her lips. She could still feel her and Nona's almost-kiss. Before Alex pulled away. Before Nona turned away with disappointment and shame in her eyes. Alex hadn't said anything about the time loop, about how all of this had already happened. It wasn't worth it.

“So you care–care–care for the girl, but not us?” said the ghosts.

Alex folded her arms.

“Yeah, I do,” said Alex. “Look, you're not–you're not gonna make me do it. So–come up with a better deal, I guess? Otherwise, I guess we're all just–we're all totally screwed. You in here, me out there. And round and round it goes.”

The ghosts laughed, their voices echoing and distorting like they were trying to talk through a bad connection.

“Oh, Alexandra,” they said. “You don't care for things or people. Not really. That's why you keep going.”

Alex threw up her hands.

“That's not true!” she said. “I care about–I care about my friends, alright? And–and I care about not dying in this stupid–this _whatever._ And I care about Nona. _A lot._ More than you assholes do.”

The ghosts laughed again.

“It's not about caring,” they said. “We know you have plenty of that, we've seen you have plenty of that. But you're spoiled. Rotten. Always have been. You think caring is enough, that anything you do is enough. And you keep coming back here to prove it, child.”

Alex stared at Nona's floating body, stared at the nameless formless shape hovering a few inches away from her. How many times had she tried to break the loop? How many of these offers had the ghosts made to her?

But going home without Nona. That wasn't really _going home,_ was it? It was giving up. It was letting herself be eaten alive by painful memories for the rest of her life. And it wasn't going to break the loop. It seemed like nothing Alex did was going to break the loop.

“Prove what?” said Alex.

The world twisted for a split second and Alex could have sworn she was somewhere else, that she was standing on the bridge and watching Nona plummet off the edge. But then she was back and Nona was right there, possessed and floating and talking to her in a dozen different voices.

“That you don't understand the cost of things,” said the ghosts.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

“The cost of things”.

The ghosts had been giving her a chance to understand, a chance to escape. A _real_ chance. But Alex didn't take it, because she was confused and naive and she thought she could find another way. She still cared, even though caring was getting more and more difficult. She cared about making sure that everyone–even Clarissa–got off Edwards Island alive.

Alex looped a dozen more times. And a dozen times after that. Some of them were Nona loops, but most of them weren't. She couldn't hurt Ren like that.

Alex lost track of what “hurting Ren” actually meant. Because she hurt him a lot. She made snide remarks during Truth or Slap, which caused Nona and Ren to never get together. Ren got pissed at her for being inconsiderate, for drinking too much, for stealing his “special brownies” that she shouldn't have even known about. And then it would start all over again and Alex would make it up to him somehow, she'd make sure Nona and Ren ended up together, she'd smile and nod and act the part of the supportive friend.

It was boring. It was _so boring._

If Alex had been sadistic, this would have been the part where she started killing her friends. And she _did_ make them angry. She made them scream at her, she threw things at them sometimes, she said the most hurtful things she could imagine because she was just so _so_ tired of hearing all of their problems.

The Nora loops were more bearable. _Nona_ was more bearable, even with all of her problems and flaws.

In another Nona loop, Nona talked about liking girls.

They were at the bonfire on the beach, the first big event of the night. And Alex just blurted it out, drunk off liquid courage.

“I mean, it's like–I guess it's like liking anyone?” said Nona. “I don't know. It feels–it feels right. It feels–it's good.”

Alex quirked an eyebrow, intrigued. A brand new Nona conversation. A rare and beautiful treat.

“So you never had a _"holy shit, I'm into girls”_ moment?“ said Alex. "Like, never? Not even a little?”

Nona laughed. She really couldn't talk about this stuff with Clarissa, she had explained in another loop that Alex barely remembered. Clarissa was supportive and everything, but she preferred talking about her own stuff. It was how their incredibly complicated friendship worked. A balancing act. And Clarissa usually came out on top.

“Oh, yeah, totally,” said Nona. “I think we've all–I mean–everyone has their moments. Definitely me. I was–I was, like, just moments.”

She shrugged, tucking a strand of hair out of her face.

“But I guess I–like, I wasn't exactly _in denial,_ ” she said. “My parents are–I mean–as long as I'm not, you know, snorting lines or–or whatever. It's fine.”

Alex huffed out a laugh.

“Lucky you,” she said. “My mom thinks it's a phase. Which, I mean–yeah, sure Mom. Just a phase I've been going through since I started puberty. No biggie.”

She turned away, tightening her grip on the cup. After so many loops, Alex officially hated the taste of beer. She hated being drunk. Everything about this was so gross. A party on the beach? _Really?_ Did no one care about getting sand in all the wrong places?

“Micheal was–he was always super supportive of–of anything I wanted to do,” said Alex. “That's how much of a frigging superhero he was.”

She said it lovingly, no trace of bitterness in her voice. Alex liked seeing Micheal's face over and over again, liked having all the conversations she missed out on in those brief flashes. But she wished it actually meant something. She wished everything–her friendship with Ren, Nona, Clarissa, Jonas–actually meant something.

Nona bit her lip.

“Uh, stop me if I'm being too–you know,” said Nona. “But, like, Ren's sort of told me craploads about you and–and–um–”

She nervously tapped her fingers on the paper cut.

“Don't take this the wrong way,” she said. “This totally doesn't have to be anything. But, like, there aren't a lot of–like–you know, _gay girls_ at school. Trust me. But that's not–it's not why, okay? I'm not, like, super desperate or anything.”

Alex felt that familiar knot in her stomach.

“Um, what about Ren?” she said. “I know he's not a _girl,_ but, well, you're not _just_ into ladies, right?”

Nona glanced at Ren, her brow furrowed.

“Oh, that's not–no, it's not like that,” said Nona. “I'm in for whatever. And Ren–Ren's cute and everything.”

She flashed Alex the adorable smile that sent Alex's brain into orbit.

“Okay, can I be super honest for a second?” said Nona. “And don't freak out.”

Alex nodded, taking another sip of the beer. She shuddered at the taste, but she didn't think Nona noticed.

Nona hesitated, fidgeting with her empty cup. She wasn't drunk. Not yet. She knew her limits. Getting totally plastered wasn't her ultimate goal. Nona was there to have fun, maybe play some games, and keep Clarissa company.

“I've pretty much been–like, I've wanted to say this since the moment I saw you,” said Nona. “And I was like–I mean–why not just go for it? Screw it, right? So, uh, I guess–I guess this is me asking you out?”

Alex took another long swig of beer, staring at her lap. She used to like sitting on the sand like this. Listening to the crackling fire. She used to like a lot of things, before the loops. Now everything made her sad and frustrated. Except Nona.

“Cool,” said Alex.

She stood up, turning back to the cooler. She didn't want to look at Nona's face.

“I'm gonna get another drink,” said Alex. “Why don't you–shit, I don't know. Run back to best girl Clarissa? Whatever. I don't–it's really not something I care about.”

She didn't see it, but she practically heard Nona's smile droop. Alex hesitated for a second, her eyes burning. _Crap._ She really _was_ drunk. Drunk and angry at herself.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

It was no use. Nona was perfect. She was gorgeous, funny, _everything._

And Ren? Ren was a sweet little muffin who didn't deserve to lose his best friend over a girl. Alex wasn't doing it. She just _couldn't do it._

On the next Nona loop, Alex and Nona actually kissed.

They were in front of the bunker. Alex was preparing to journey into the unknown–well, unknown to _them_ –depths and finally uncover the mystery behind Edwards Island. The worst part was that Alex still didn't understand. She didn't understand the loops or how the ghosts worked or why her and her friends were being tormented. It was like a riddle without an answer or a joke without a punchline.

“We'll be okay, you know,” said Alex.

Nona smiled at her, melting Alex's heart. She reached forward and touched Alex's face.

“I know we will,” said Nona.

Alex almost recoiled. Not because she hated Nona's touch–she could never do that–but because it was so _tender._ Loving. How could Nona just _do that?_ With no fear, no confusion, no reluctance? It was like Nona became a totally different person with Alex.

 _I'm not,_ Alex told herself firmly. _No freaking way._

Nona leaned forward on her tip toes. She grabbed Alex's shoulders and pulled her close. _Peaches._ The overwhelming smell of peaches, clouding all of Alex's senses as Nona got close to her, too close, too close, _too close…._

Nona gave Alex a little brief peck on the cheek. And when she pulled away, she had a big glowing smile on her face. She was warm, her cheeks blazing red.

Alex patted Nona's shoulders, returning the smile. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ren's reaction. She saw how he kind of just sank, just deflated slightly like Nona had crushed his one and only dream. So dramatic. Subtle, but dramatic.

The knot in Alex's stomach came back at full force. She felt dirty, but not from the kiss. She felt dirty from the eyes that were on her. Jonas's quirked eyebrow, Ren quiet and miserable.

Nona took Alex's hands and squeezed them, oblivious or uncaring.

“Hey, it's okay,” said Nona.

Alex wanted to pull away, to say that this was _not_ okay. What about Ren? What about Ren? What about _Ren?_

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

In the next loop, she let Ren and Nona be together again. But it didn't make her feel better.

The subconscious awareness. Deja vu. Alex saw it when she looked at Nona, saw the confusion on her face. Nona got together with Ren again, but she wasn't happy. Maybe on the surface, all the parts that Ren and Jonas could see. But Alex saw more, she saw those brief glances and the uncertainty in Nona's face. _Is this really what's supposed to happen?_

Alex broke it. She totally broke the timeline. Because she was selfish. Or maybe this was inevitable, maybe this was just the timeline breaking down as it looped endlessly. Events bleeding into each other.

Nona looked at her more. She smiled at her more. Alex tried not to notice.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Was it really a “timeline” if it was completely screwed beyond recognition?

Jonas asked about things that hadn't happened yet, and then he looked confused about why he'd asked. Ren hesitated, like he was bored with his own words and wondering why he was repeating himself so much. Clarissa seemed more composed, less of an asshole. Nona got closer to Alex, closing the distance a little more each time they looped.

Alex pushed Nona away and towards Ren. And it always worked, because the loop was messed up that way. But it didn't feel okay anymore, it didn't feel happy. It was like Nona forgot why she even liked Ren, even as the words came out of her mouth. Her smiles were less genuine. Ren's were too.

Alex just wanted to go home, for fuck's sake.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex tried to escape on the boat. It crashed and she woke up in another loop.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex tried descending into the bunker by herself.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex told Nona–lying–that she didn't like her.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex wasn't a very strong swimmer, as she found out during a very unfortunate incident involving rocks.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex kissed Clarissa. Clarissa recoiled.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex kissed Nona. Nona wrapped her arms around her and it felt like she would never let go.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex watched Ren and Nona holding each other halfheartedly.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex asked Jonas if he'd ever nuked a friendship from orbit. He seemed like the best person to ask because, well, he was definitely the kind of guy who would know, right?

Jonas paused at the weird question. He'd asked Alex if she could hang back because he wanted to talk to her about something. He said it was important. Jonas hadn't really expected Alex to hit him with a personal question out of nowhere.

“Um, sure?” said Jonas. “Like–I mean–not on purpose or anything. It just–it sort of just _happens,_ you know? Like–like a cavity or a car crash.”

Alex folded her arms, staring at the one car in the parking lot. Yeah, she knew all about messing up friendships. Sort of. Her friendship with Ren had always been _good._ He liked her snark and she liked his dorkiness. They were practically siblings. And unlike so many shitty romantic comedies, they never felt like anything other than besties. No stupid romantic drama or Will They, Won't They.

“So you wouldn't–let's say–totally fuck up a friendship for, like, a girl–or _over_ a girl?” said Alex.

Jonas knitted his brow, like he was seriously considering the hypothetical scenario.

“Not really?” said Jonas. “I mean, I'd–yeah, okay, I'd think about it. Because the heart wants what it–you know–it's complicated. Love. But ultimately? I think–I think I'd choose my friend. Bros before–well, you all know what I mean.”

Alex fidgeted, her gaze locked on the parked car. Didn't she usually say something about it? Some snide comment about there always being that one parked car in every parking lot? Or was that someone else? She always forgot, the memories falling into each other like a kaleidoscope.

“Okay, so, what if this girl liked you and you like–you really _really_ liked her back?” said Alex. “What if you–I don't know–were more into her every day and eventually she–she started being into you–sort of–like–like she's lagging behind but you're going the same place?”

Jonas blinked at Alex, not sure what she was trying to say. Was this, uh, _normal_ step-sibling banter? Had Jonas just been missing out?

“I mean, I can't say that's–like, I've never been that into someone, I don't think,” said Jonas. “I've–yeah, I've had crushes. But actual like–like, _loving_ someone? I don't know. It's not something I try to think about.”

Alex snorted out a laugh. _Yeah._ She also didn't like thinking about it. But it was really the only thing she could think about, the only thing that changed.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex had read every book in Adler's library. She made a mental note each loop. A brain bookmark. She couldn't just write the page number on her hand, she realized after the first time she tried. Nope, she actually had to _remember._ And it got harder every time, remembering the page number. But sometimes–some loops–Alex would just plop down in an armchair and read.

Alex stood in front of the ghosts, in front of Clarissa's floating body. She understood now, although there were still huge gaps. She understood why the ghosts acted like they did, why they were so pissed off all the time, why they wanted to hurt her friends. Alex was definitely getting there. She'd only been looping for maybe years. The ghosts had been looping for decades, centuries, until the end of time. Alex would have been pretty frigging done with everything if she'd been in their shoes.

“Look, why don't we just–like, can't you just let me go?” said Alex. “Do you really want to–do you actually want to do this until– _what?_ The end of time or something? Seriously?”

Clarissa turned to her, her eyes burning red like gemstones. There was no hatred or malice or even anger on her face, just indifference. The ghosts didn't care. Maybe they cared a long time ago, before this time bullshit split the universe open.

“You've always had the power, Alexandra,” said the ghosts. “You're only here because you refuse to wield it, refuse to take it.”

Alex let out a bitter laugh and folded her arms.

“So, what?” said Alex. “I can just–I can just, like, _leave?_ Just go? What do you think I've been trying to do, assholes?”

Clarissa appeared behind Alex, her hands hovering an inch above Alex's shoulder. Alex didn't even flinch. She'd learned that this was just a stupid parlor trick, a cheap scare tactic. The ghosts couldn't and wouldn't hurt her. They couldn't and wouldn't hurt anyone. Not yet.

“There is always a way,” said Clarissa. “But you can never make that choice. You would rather keep going and going and going.”

Alex snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Are you for real?” said Alex. “Enough with this–this frigging funhouse bullcrap! We've been over this, like–like six hundred billion times. Just tell me how to–how can I fix this? How can I go home?”

Clarissa was sitting on the couch, her hands folded in her lap.

“You know the way,” said Clarissa. “You've always known, child. But you persist. We do not understand, but you persist.”

The game started again and Alex watched each of her friends get teleported away somewhere. She watched them vanish because she refused to answer the questions. Not that it mattered.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

It would have been so much easier if Alex could forget things. If she could start over like her friends did, just with some subconscious thoughts and feelings that made zero sense. The persistent deja vu.

But some things _did_ get pushed out of her head, because her brain wasn't wired to handle all of it. She forgot conversations, repeated them, and only realized after the loop that she was doing it again. She made her friends angry in the exact same ways, made them sad in the exact same ways, and Alex took forever to notice. And sometimes it happened and Alex didn't notice, or at least she was pretty sure. She was uncertain most of the time.

Had she already told Jonas about the Nona situation? Had she already tossed a paper cup of beer into the fire? Had she already tried to stay on the ferry? Had she already gone into the cave by herself, prompting the others to follow her? Alex lost track.

The little details and actions were irrelevant. It was Alex's friends that she cared about. She cared about what happened to them. But she was starting to get scared, because she was caring less and less in every loop.

Clarissa's “death” didn't shock her anymore. She would let Jonas go outside and see that Clarissa's body wasn't there. Alex would huddle in a corner and stare at the graffiti, listening to Jonas shouting her name until he finally came back inside and asked what was up with her. And only then would Alex go outside and feign shock at Clarissa's missing body, or sometimes she would just shrug and start walking away and Jonas would call her a heartless monster. Maybe she was. Maybe that was the end game.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex and Nona went into the cave together. Alex said she had something she wanted to show her, something really cool.

She tuned into the triangle with the radio. The world above her burned and split open and shuddered. And then they were waking up, lying on the ground outside Harden Tower.

“What–what the heck happened?” said Alex.

She rubbed the side of her head, knowing exactly what had happened and why it had happened and getting more pissed off the more she thought about it. _Dammit._ She really thought that would work. But she'd tried it before, hadn't she? Dragging Jonas or Ren into the cave with her, opening the rift herself. Alex thought she was fighting the loop. But it never played out in any way that mattered. She always came back.

Nona rushed to Alex's side. Her eyes were big and wet with tears, although she didn't seem to actually understand why she was sobbing so hard.

“Oh my god,” said Nona. “Are you okay? Holy–okay, what's happening? How did we get here? Alex? _Alex?_ ”

She shook Alex's shoulder, her voice cracking with panic.

Alex sat up and looked around. Yeah, this was definitely right outside Harden Tower. It was nothing and nowhere new, nothing and nowhere interesting. They were still on the fucking island. How many days had it been? Years? Decades? _Centuries?_ And Edwards Island wasn't sick of her yet.

“What do you remember?” said Alex.

Nona knelt next to Alex, nervously playing with a strand of hair. Alex had never seen her do that before.

“Um, we were in the cave?” said Nona. “And you started–like–you were playing with this triangle thing? Which I did _not_ approve of by the way. That was–that was not cool, Alex. I'm serious.”

Alex snorted out a laugh.

“Yeah, not cool,” said Alex. “I'm–I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought–never mind. It's totally my fault. This is totally my fault.”

Nona shook her head.

“No, no, it's–you didn't know what was gonna happen,” said Nona. “We still don't know, I think. Like–we're out here. Okay. That's banana bread.”

Alex grabbed Nona's shoulders, startling her. She watched the panic in Nona's eyes shift into confusion and slight fear.

“No, you don't–you're not getting it,” said Alex. “This is _my fault_. The ghosts are– _god._ They're totally right, okay? I've known–always–I've always known how to stop this.”

Nona gently took Alex's hands and pull them off her shoulders. She squeezed them, her brow furrowed.

“Uh, Alex are you–like, did you get drugged?” said Nona. “You're making zero sense. What are we–what are we stopping?”

Alex was barely listening.

“But it's–oh my god, it's so pathetic,” said Alex. “I'm pathetic. I'd rather just–I'd rather just do this all over again than–than hurt my best friend. That's so frigging not worth it.”

Nona let go of Alex's hands, thoroughly puzzled.

“Okay, we need you to–do you, like, need something?” said Nona. “Look, I want to–I want to climb that tower and–and send a message so we can get the heck out of here, okay? Is that okay? Can we just do that? Please?”

Alex stood up and started walking towards the tower. She didn't look back. There was nothing for her back there. It was just another loop. It would always just be another loop.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Alex and Nona went into the cave together. Alex said she had something to show Nona, something really cool.

Alex tuned into the triangle with the radio. The world above them split open and shuddered and the light burned. And then they were lying on the ground in front of Harden Tower.

She felt bad about ditching Jonas. But she also felt bad about all the times she'd let all those bad things happen to him in the bunker. What was happening in the outside world? Was Jonas's dad freaking out? Did anyone know, did anyone care, had they become a local legend yet?

She went up to the tower with Nona. They tried to contact people on the radio. Jonas and Ren were in the woods together, Clarissa was at Fort Milner. Alex promised to get Clarissa first because Nona insisted. She could apologize to Jonas later.

Clarissa plunged from the window and Nona screamed. She screamed loudly and desperately, the tears breaking out and streaming down her cheeks. She screamed loud enough for Alex to care again. And she didn't stop screaming until they were outside, staring at the spot where Clarissa's body should have been and wondering what had happened.

“How could she–what's–what's happening?” said Nona.

She fell to her knees and cried harder.

Alex wrapped her arms around Nona and pulled her close, shoving Nona's face into her chest and letting Nona sob into the front of her shirt. It was raining. And they were standing right where Clarissa's body should have been, Nona in Alex's arms and Alex holding her like she was precious cargo. Alex had almost forgotten what caring about her friends meant, she almost forgot that Nona loved Clarissa like a sister.

For the first time in hundreds or maybe thousands of loops, Alex cried. She cried about Clarissa, she cried about Jonas, she cried about Ren, she cried about how stupid and selfish she had been. Alex let her anguish mix with Nona's, spilling into each other like hot fresh tears.

They went to grab Jonas and Ren. Ren was possessed and Alex used to the radio to cure him. Alex still wasn't sure how that worked.

“Ren, I've gotta tell you something,” said Alex. “Like, something–it's kind of big.”

Ren rubbed the back of his head. Considering the fact that he'd been totally possessed a few minutes ago and he was planning to leave, he couldn't imagine what Alex had to tell him. Other than, well, the fact that she was obviously way more freaked out than she looked.

“Uh, sure?” said Ren. “You can–you can tell me anything. Unless it's, like, super depressing and bad? In which case, I'd rather you not.”

Alex chewed her bottom lip. _Okay, here goes everything._ Rationally, she knew this was probably the worst time to bring this up. Rationally, she knew Ren was still recovering from having been possessed less than ten minutes ago. But Alex was scared. Terrified that she would wuss out if she actually gave herself time. And she knew from experience that there was no good time to say this.

“I–I like Nona,” Alex blurted out.

Ren stared at her, dragging a hand through his hair and blinking.

“Um, okay?” said Ren. “I–yeah, she's a very–a very _likable_ girl, I think. I'm glad you approve?”

Alex shook her head.

“No, I mean–I mean I _like_ her,” said Alex. “In a–in a potential girlfriend sort of way.”

She almost didn't say it, because it sounded ridiculous. How long had her and Nona known each other? Other than this particular night, had they ever talked? Did they even go to the same school? Alex was losing details, forgetting her life outside the loop. But she'd gone through so many Nona loops, she'd seen all the potential paths. They'd _kissed,_ for fuck's sake. She'd held Nona as they cried together about their crappy lives and the people taken from them. They'd had long intimate conversations about life, about love, about liking girls, about the universe, about religion. Nona just couldn't remember most of them.

Ren furrowed his brow.

“Are you–are you–you're joking, right?” said Ren. “Look, I know this night is bonkers, but–that's not funny, Alex. You know I'm into her.”

But there was a hint of doubt in his voice, like he was remembering–somehow–Nona's big wide smile and the way she clung to Alex like a lost puppy. And Alex knew that he _did_ remember, but the loop had locked up those memories somewhere in the farthest part of his brain. He just had feelings and vague ideas that made zero sense because there was no context.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said Alex. “I'm–look, Nona is cute. And she's into girls. And–and I know you called–called dibs on her or whatever bro thing…”

Ren turned away from her. He didn't think she was joking anymore and he was starting to get pissed.

“I don't know–I don't know what you're doing, but–you're kind of an asshole, did you know that?” said Ren. “Sorry, sorry. But I finally have a chance with a girl, and you just–you just come in here like–dibs? _Dibs?_ Really? Is that what you–holy shit, Alex.”

He started walking away, like he just couldn't be around her anymore.

Alex watched him leave, her stomach knotting for the first time in a while. _Crap._ Now Ren probably hated her guts. And who could blame him? Yeah, sure, Nona was her own person. But Alex had kind of just come out of nowhere with that whole thing. She understood Ren's betrayal. She understood that his feelings mattered.

_Wash. Rinse. Repeat._

Actually, screw Ren's feelings. Ren would get over it. Ren _always_ got over it.

What gave Ren the right to just–just _take this from her?_ He totally called dibs. Maybe not in those exact words, but Alex wasn't dumb. Ren literally invited Nona on this excursion for the sole purpose of making something happen with her. So technically, this was all of his fault. Ren was the one who made Alex bring the radio, who dragged Nona to the island, who insisted on getting Alex wrapped up in this bullcrap.

Alex watched Ren drop from a foot up, his body going limp and the red fading from his eyes. He wasn't possessed anymore, thank god. Just probably dazed and traumatized. All thanks to Alex's radio.

She bit her lip. No, this wasn't Ren's fault. It was no one's fault. Who could have predicted this? Who could have known? Ren said it himself: he'd been to this island dozens of times and so had hundreds of other people. And nothing like this had ever happened before. Ren was a good friend. An _awesome_ friend.

Well, Alex had more than earned the right to be a shitty friend. She was going away for college anyway–she'd decided during one of the loops–so why not burn some bridges?

She didn't tell Ren about her and Nona. She thought Ren might suspect, because he'd been looking at the two of them all night. But Alex wasn't going to be the one to tell him.

They met up with Jonas and Ren at the tower. The two of them got into a fight. Alex and Nona went into town together.

“Hey, Alex,” said Nona.

Alex looked up from the radio, her eyebrow quirked. She'd intentionally avoided Maggie Adler's letter. Now wasn't really the time for a treasure hunt.

“Yeah?” said Alex. “You–you doing okay? Are you–are you good?”

Nona nodded, nervously shuffling her feet.

“Look, this night's been–its been–it's banana bread, right?” she said. “Like, I've–I've just been freaking out. I don't know what's happening and I don't get why I have this, like–this pressure in my head. It's like–I don't even know. I can't even say it.”

Alex bit her lip. She knew why Nona had that pressure in her head. It was a side effect of the time loop, Alex had realized a long time ago. Except only her friends had that pressure. Alex was pretty okay physically, so she sometimes forgot that her friends had all these bizarre symptoms.

“That sucks,” said Alex. “Really. I'm so sorry that this is–you shouldn't have to go through this. This is nuts. You have– _god._ You have no idea how insane this all is.”

Nona laughed bitterly, moving closer to Alex.

“Trust me, it's–I've got a pretty good idea,” said Nona.

Alex turned back to what she was doing, her cheeks blazing. Nona had been close to her all night, practically hanging off her. But it was different, now that they were alone and they weren't on a rescue mission. Everything felt less dire. Alex could finally slow down and appreciate the closeness.

“I know you won't–you're not gonna believe me,” said Alex. “But it's–it's insane. Insane and frustrating and…”

Nona moved closer, her hand gently brushing Alex's. Her eyes were bright and full of trust. She really _was_ like a puppy. Alex didn't give a crap how condescending that sounded. It was true.

“Dude, I'm here for you,” said Nona. “For real. I–I couldn't be anywhere else.”

Alex turned to Nona. She'd made so many mistakes. A dozen loops later and she was still regretting every time she'd blown Nona off, every time she'd shattered Nona's heart with a non-committal answer or an aggressive refusal that was taken the wrong way. Alex had learned that she sucked at letting people down gently, especially when she didn't mean it.

“This is–this has happened before,” said Alex. “All of it. Like every–all of this has happened before. A million times actually. Two million. I don't know. I lost count.”

Nona folded her arms and knitted her brow. She didn't look like she was skeptical. How could she be? With all the insane stuff they'd seen that night, nothing would have surprised her. And somewhere deep inside her brain, Nona knew that Alex was right.

“Like a–like a time loop thing?” said Nona.

Alex patted Nona's shoulder. She was already high off the smell of Nona's shampoo. _Again._ Some things never changed.

“Yeah,” said Alex. “It's exactly like that. And I'm–I'm the only one who knows, I guess. I keep–I just keep going back. Over and over again.”

Nona took Alex's hand and squeezed it, her face full of sympathy.

“Holy crap,” said Nona. “That sounds–that sounds so bad.”

Alex sighed, a big smile on her face. Maybe they were moving too fast. But what even was “too fast”? The loops had completely destroyed Alex's concept of time. From her point of view, this was small potatoes.

“Well, it's not, like, all bad,” said Alex. “Some things are–I mean–some things are worth repeating.”

Nona leaned forward and wrapped Alex in a hug. She held her tightly, like she was afraid that Alex might fall into another loop if she let go.

“I don't want to–I don't want to forget this,” said Nona. “Promise you'll–I don't know–like–make me remember this. This moment. Or something. I don't know what I'm saying.”

Alex returned the hug, tears stinging her eyes. She couldn't make that promise. Not out loud.

If Alex didn't break the loop this time, she was going to stop trying. For real this time.

They got the radio and everything else they needed, headed back to Adler's estate, and unlocked the gate. They went inside and found Clarissa sitting on the couch, completely unharmed. The boat key was waiting for them in the attic, unlocked by a code that Alex had memorized.

Alex didn't explain how she knew the code to the chest, brushing it off as a “hunch” and ignoring the questions. Nona gave her a knowing look, because she was the only one who knew the truth.

They played the game. Alex knew the answers this time and she was ready, even though it didn't matter. Well, it _did_ matter. Alex wanted to do this perfectly. She wanted to make sure that nothing bad happened to her friends if she could prevent it.

She was offered the same deal as last time: let them take Clarissa and her friends would be spared. Alex said “no”. Not just because of Nona, but because Clarissa didn't deserve that. Sure, Clarissa was kind of the worst. But Clarissa was also a deeply troubled and miserable girl who still hadn't gotten over her boyfriend's death. And it wasn't like Alex ever reached out to her, ever tried to help Clarissa through the grieving process.

It was Alex and Nona–rather than Alex and Jonas–who went down into that bunker. And that was where things finally changed.

“So you've done it,” said the ghosts.

Alex looked around, squinting at the familiar underwater landscape. She shouldn't have been surprised. She'd been in this place hundreds of times and it was never different. But she was a little disappointed that Nona didn't come with her. Alex could have used the moral support.

“Did–did what?” said Alex. “What the heck did I do? What's even–what are you even doing? Can I go now?”

The ghosts waited a full minute before answering, gnawing at Alex's patience. Maybe the ghosts had eternity, but Alex didn't.

“You always–,” the ghosts started.

Alex cut across them, raising her voice to a shout.

“Yes, yes, I know!” she said. “I've always had the–like, the choice–or the ability or whatever the fuck, to leave. I get it. I'm asking if–was any of that worth it? What I did? Can I finally go?”

The ghosts waited an uncomfortably long time to answer. It was like they enjoyed leaving Alex hanging. Alex used to think that they were tormenting her, but that wasn't even close to what was happening. The ghosts weren't in control. And neither was Alex. They were all just–just _people._

“Yes,” said the ghosts. “We think–yes. You are free to go, Alexandra.”

They said it so calmly, as if it was obvious.

Alex took a deep breath. No, she didn't buy that for a second. This couldn't just be _over._ There had to be a point to it. The loops, Nona, Ren being possessed, Clarissa, all the flashbacks. Alex had seen and been through so much. How could it just be _over?_

“And what about you?” said Alex. “What's–what's next for you? What's gonna happen? And _why_ did any of this happen?”

The ghosts took another long pause.

“You broke the loop, Alexandra,” they said. “The mistakes you made, the problems. You broke it all apart. So now it unravels. And we unravel with it. We can go home.”

Alex turned around. A rip had appeared, a huge gash in time and space that glowed and pulsed red.

“So this was, like–like what was supposed to happen?” said Alex. “And that's–is that what you're saying?”

The ghosts didn't reply. Maybe they couldn't speak anymore. Maybe they were already being unraveled and Alex was wasting her time. And if she spent any more time in that place, there was a good chance that Alex would go with them to–to wherever they ended up.

She stepped through the rip. Alex could feel the world distort, she could feel the shift as the timeline settled back into place.

* * *

She expected to wake up on the ferry. And she did, but this time it was different.

Nona was sitting beside her, her head propped up on Alex's shoulder. She was warm and breathing softly, her eyes shut. The first thing Alex felt was the pressure, the weight and closeness of Nona's body. Alex didn't like people leaning against her. When Ren did it, it usually ended in drool and hurt feelings. But Nona was light, she was gentle, and she smelled goddamn amazing.

Ren was reciting something from a book. And Jonas was listening, strangely enraptured. It was the weirdest thing Alex had seen in a long time.

Clarissa was asleep on the other bench, curled up in a nice comfortable ball. There were dried tears on her cheeks.

Alex looked at her palms and her arms, she wriggled her feet and squinted into the sunlight. It was… _morning?_ Alex had been there before, on the ferry. That was where the loop always ended, or at least where it _started_ to end. Relief before she was yanked into another bullshit time loop. But this time it was–it was _different._ Nona was leaning against her and Ren had started reading after Alex woke up and Jonas was actually listening to what Ren was saying.

 _Weird._ Alex had been expecting some kind of oneness, a merging of personalities and experiences. She expected to be, well, _more._ More of herself. A different shade of Alex. But she didn't feel any different? Not even exhausted or broken or enlightened. Nope, she was just regular old Alex.

Nona mumbled in her sleep, snuggling into Alex's side. Alex wrapped her arm around her and squeezed her close. Okay, maybe _not_ just regular old Alex. She actually had a–what did she even say? A “girlfriend”? A “friend with benefits”? A “loop buddy”?

Alex shuddered, her fingers twitching anxiously. _No._ Definitely not that last one. Nona deserved better.

Ren looked up from the book he was reading, a huge goofy smile on his face. Alex had missed seeing that. Well, she hadn't _missed_ it. But this was the first real one she'd seen in a long time, the first genuine Ren smile.

“Cool, you're up,” said Ren.

He plopped down in the seat on Alex's other side.

Jonas remained standing, his arms folded. He was staying away from the side. It was a silly thing to worry about after the night they'd had, but Jonas was paranoid about tumbling over. That would have been an unfortunate ending to their little nightmare. Surviving a ghost encounter, but not a ferry ride.

“So are we gonna–no, sorry–I'm glad you're okay,” said Jonas. “But are we gonna talk about all the insane shit we saw, like–the ghosts and everything?”

Alex stared at her lap. Could they even call them “ghosts”? That felt like an oversimplification of a phenomena that none of them were equipped to understand. Then again, Alex's friends had seen maybe ten or twenty percent of the bizarre shit that went down. Lucky them.

“I mean, yeah,” said Ren. “We sort of–I mean–we have to tell everyone about this, right? We've got–holy crap, you guys–we've got _actual proof of the supernatural._ ”

Alex snorted. _Seriously?_ Yeah, they totally could have become famous. One hundred percent proof that there was something after death, that ghosts and possibly demons and time travel and all that insane stuff existed? This was the kind of unexplained crap that made paranormal investigators cream their pants.

“Sure, like anyone's gonna believe us,” said Alex. “Dude, _come on._ We're, like–we're a bunch of snot-nosed teens. One of us was high–thanks for that, by the way. Very cool. And I was–like, most of us were drunk or whatever. What do we even have? Our very good word? Pinky-swear we're telling the truth, for reals and everything?”

Ren opened and closed his mouth, knitting his brow. _Goddammit._ Alex was right. Dozens of people had stayed on Edwards Island before and nothing like this had ever happened. And if Ren was being honest with himself, he was pretty sure something like this was never going to happen again. They had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to capture real evidence of ghosts and they totally screwed up.

“So we just–we just, like, sit on this?” said Ren. “We twiddle our thumbs? We don't blow up the press? That's what we're doing? _Not_ doing, I mean?”

Alex sighed, running her fingers through Nona's hair and listening to Nona purr like a happy cat.

“I don't know, dude,” said Alex. “Do whatever you–just do whatever you want. Like I can stop you.”

It was a moot point. She knew Ren wasn't going to tell anyone about this. None of them were. If Alex was lucky, she was never going to think about this ever again. She didn't care if she had some kind of world-changing revelation that would have torn the scientific community to shreds. All she cared about was the fact they got off the island.

Alex let out another sigh. It was going to be hard–maybe impossible–to explain this to her parents. Not the island part, because she definitely wasn't telling them about it. But her relationship with Nona. Alex could barely explain it to herself. She felt like they'd been together for decades. And Alex knew that Nona felt the same way, even though they were technically barely dating. Her parents were going to be shocked and skeptical.

She looked at Ren, her stomach twisting itself into a knot.

“You–you okay?” said Alex. “With, uh, I guess everything?”

Ren shrugged, his hands folded in his lap. He was still smiling.

“Alex, I'm–I don't know why, but I feel like you did a good thing in there,” said Ren. “Yeah, it sucks that me and Nona–well, I guess it wasn't meant to be. And honestly, how can I blame her? If I was her, I'd totally choose you over me. Uh, please don't, like–don't take that the wrong way.”

Alex patted Ren's shoulder.

“Dude, you're–you're awesome, okay?” said Alex. “I'll–look, now that we're out of that–that whole thing, I'll totally break up with Nona. Seriously. Like a hot potato.”

Ren gently moved Alex's hand away, his smile wavering at the edges.

“I will friendship-dump you _so hard_ if you do that,” said Ren. “I'm for real on this. I will–I will just–I'll jump off this ferry right now. Surrender myself to the waves like a beautiful mermaid.”

Alex started to protest, although she didn't know why. A big part of this had been her desperately trying to keep Ren happy, because she thought their friendship was worth more than some girl. And it was. But Alex never had any control over any of this.

“Alex, please don't–just don't mess this up, okay?” said Ren. “At least not right away. After we're back on land? Feel free to mess.”

Alex playfully smacked Ren's arm.

“Okay, but you better not cry like a little baby when I show up to prom with Nona on my arm,” said Alex. “We're gonna dance-battle you into the ground.”

Jonas grabbed the side of his head.

“Wait, prom?” he said. “Like, for real? I can't–how can you even think about that? I don't even know if I'm gonna–gonna, like, go or anything.”

Clarissa lifted her head, waking up from her nap. For someone who got possessed multiple times, jumped off a building, and was dragged into some hellish other-world by creepy time-demon-ghosts, she looked more put-together than anyone else.

“Oooh, bonding sesh,” said Clarissa. “Can I tap in?”

Alex reluctantly disengaged herself from Nona and hopped off the bench. _Holy shit._ She had never been so happy to see Clarissa alive. It was sort of funny, in a dark twisted kind of way. During the first two or three loops, Alex had seriously considered just letting the time-ghost-demons take Clarissa. Why not? Clarissa had been a total asshole to her all night. Clarissa more than deserved some serious payback for being so fucking insufferable. But ultimately, Clarissa was hurt, broken, and flailing around in her own grief. Alex could relate. They'd both kind of been massive assholes to everyone they cared about.

“Are you–like, is it all, uh, out of your system?” said Alex. “Do you remember? Anything? The cave? The ghosts? Ringing any bells?”

Clarissa sat up shakily, holding onto her knees. Alex had always kind of envied Clarissa for being so, well, _unfairly gorgeous._ But now Alex just felt bad for her. Clarissa had lost a lot of weight since Micheal died. Clarissa tried to cover the bags under her eyes with make-up, but Alex could tell that Clarissa hadn't been sleeping. Neither of them had.

“Um, I remember _you,”_ said Clarissa. “Funnily enough, I remember _a lot_ of you. Over and over again. Like a fucking–one of those big record things. Repeating. Echoing.”

Ren bounced excitedly in his seat.

“Oooh!” he said. “ _Echoes of Alex._ New band name. Dibs.”

Alex walked over to Clarissa. She reached to touch Clarissa's shoulder, to comfort her. But she pulled her hand back. _No._ They weren't quite there yet. In fact, they were probably never going to be there. Alex couldn't picture herself breaking down and sobbing in Clarissa's arms or vice versa. It just wasn't going to happen. But maybe Clarissa would start being nicer to her? To everyone?

“So you, uh, remember the–the loops?” said Alex.

Clarissa dragged a hand through her hair. She had spent, what? An hour doing her make-up and hair in the mirror? Clarissa didn't know why she bothered. Appearances probably. She knew people talked behind her back. Even her so-called “friends” had spread all kinds of shitty rumors. They all thought she was a total ice queen, that she didn't _feel_ things. _Why?_ Because Clarissa didn't publicly cry about Micheal's death? Because she went to school and did her homework and hung out with her buddies and barely ever mentioned the fact that Micheal was gone? _Fuck that._ Clarissa wasn't a circus clown. She didn't owe anyone a performance. Clarissa did enough crying on her own time.

“Kind of,” said Clarissa. “It's, like–it's jumbled. Staticy. Like an old TV set.”

Jonas rubbed the back of his neck.

“Geez,” said Jonas. “You too? Yeah, I–I sort of remember? I remember–like, I remember the cave and the tape recorders and–the times you let me talk to my mom and the times you didn't and– _ugh._ It's so–it's like my head is on fire if I try to think about it too much.”

Alex rubbed her cheek. _Cripes._ Fortunately and unfortunately, her head was pretty much the same. She still remembered a lot of stuff, but it was all mixed up in her brain. Not that she _wanted_ to remember any of it. It just felt cheap, like she'd lost everything important. Well, _almost_ everything.

She glanced at Nona, her face cracking into a smile.

* * *

Alex didn't tell her parents about Edwards Island. She'd lied to them about where she was going to be for the night. Why change her story? From their point of view, Alex had only been gone one night. They didn't know–and they didn't _need_ to know–what Alex and her friends had been through.

She kept waiting for the loop to start up again, for her to wake up on that ferry headed towards Edwards Island. It couldn't be that simple, right? Save the girl, save the world? No freaking way. There had to be a twist. Maybe this was the start of another loop entirely, a loop of Alex leaving the island with her friends.

But nothing happened.

Alex ended up leaving town for college. Because, well, how could she _stay?_ Even if Nona wanted to–fortunately, she didn't–Alex just didn't want to be anywhere near Edwards Island. Not if she had the chance to get away. The second Nona started suggesting they leave together and attend university, Alex was instantly on board. Any excuse to leave and never come back.

Ren stayed in town. Alex had zero clue why or how, but she honestly didn't give a crap. Ren had always been a dreamer. And, if she was being honest, he was kind of a dumbass. A lovable dumbass, but still pretty dumb. So of course Ren wanted to stay and make “Echoes of Alex”–yes, that's the name he went with–a thing. Alex was just glad that he didn't hate her.

When she actually sat down and thought about it, maybe Ren hating her wasn't even a thing she was worried about. Yeah, it seemed ridiculous and dumb to think about it _now._ But maybe the one thing Alex feared wasn't losing Ren. Maybe she was just scared of whatever was happening between her and Nona. Scared enough to trap herself in a time loop over it.

As expected, Alex's mom chose to carefully–and consciously–ignore her relationship with Nona. She called them “best friends” or “gal pals” and always feigned deafness when Alex angrily corrected her. _Whatever._ Just another reason for Alex and Nona to leave.

Alex and Nona were….surprisingly okay. Alex thought everything would implode, that Nona would realize she made some kind of awful mistake. The island felt like an isolated experience. So much insane stuff had happened. Alex and Nona getting together felt like just another supernatural event.

But whatever Nona and Alex had, it must have been real. Real enough for Nona to suggest they go on an actual date after weeks of “no labels”. Real enough that Nona was totally okay with calling Alex her “girlfriend” after a month. Real enough that Nona introduced Alex to her parents after two months and they all hit it off.

Alex waited. She waited for the island to take everything she had, for her to wake up on the ferry and realize that none of it was real. And even if that never happened, she was never going to stop being super-mega-paranoid. Edwards Island had already taken so much from her. It had taken Micheal–again–and it had taken Alex's restraint and it had almost taken her life. Why wouldn't it take Nona? And maybe Jonas? And Ren? And Clarissa, whom Alex was just starting to get along with for the first time in forever?

Alex was shoving duffel bags into the backseat of Nona's busted old van. Their less-than-elegant ride out of town. Alex doubted they were going to make it in this disgusting rust bucket, but she was willing to bet. Stranger things had happened.

Nona came up behind Alex, looping her arm around Alex's waist. That big goofy beautiful grin on her face, the smile Alex had fallen for.

“Ready to go?” said Nona.

Alex pulled Nona close and gave her a peck on the lips. Nona didn't smell like peaches anymore. Their first night back, Nona had trashed all of her peach-scented bath products. Alex was slightly disappointed, but it was probably better this way. Alex couldn't imagine the nightmares that peach-scented shampoo would have triggered.

“Heck yes,” said Alex.

She slammed the van door. Alex was starting to forget everything that happened on the island. At first she thought about it every day. And then every other day. And then once a week. Months had passed and Alex had thought about it maybe twice.

Alex wasn't naive. She knew she wasn't okay, even if she felt better and happier than she had in a long time. That paranoia wasn't going away. She was always going to be looking over her shoulder, waiting for a time ghost or a rip in reality or another loop. On her death bed, Alex was going to shut her eyes and wait for the timeline to start all over again. She wouldn't know it was over until she was six feet under.

But hopping into the driver's seat of Nona's van? Cranking up the radio? Singing along to an eighties' pop song while they blasted down the highway? Edwards Island couldn't take those things away from her.

Edwards Island couldn't take Nona. And despite its best efforts, it couldn't take Alex either.


End file.
